TORTURE R US

Tora Bora, April 30^th 2009; As told by Hussein ben Batshit, Chief Torturer;  Inside an Islamic torture chamber;

"Today, I got up, had a cup of coffee and went down to the dungeon. Izzy Silvergoldburgstein, a Jewish reporter from some lying, infidel western paper was there, where we had him for the last 5 years tied to a chair. We put him on the ole rack the other day and now he’s 6” longer- lots of squealing about that, I can tell you.

We’ve branded him on his feet a few times and used electrical shocks on most of his tender places…… We pulled his teeth, cut off his ears, nose and fingers. He is hardly his same old self and I doubt even his mother would recognize him.

Allah be praised, Bill’s alive and ready for another day of fun. Al Jezeera’s coming around again and we’re going to have a bit of Islamic entertainment with Bill for the afternoon children’s shows in Allahland. Later, maybe in a few months, we plan on cutting his head off and sending it back to his family. Inshalla."

Washington DC, April 30, 2009; FBI Interrogation offices; by Jeffery Newberg, Special Agent in charge of Interrogations;

"Today, I got up, had a cup of coffee and went to the interrogation room to work on Achmed ben Ratsheed. Achmed blew up a school bus killing 50 American children in Philadelphia in 2002.  He filmed the attack and was seen in the video tossing the severed heads of the little kids in a basket while screaming “death to infidels.”

Achmed has been with us for a few years and was happy to cooperate. So far, he told us a lot about his life in Afghanistan before his capture. Achmed was close to OBL and told us all about him. We kept him from sleeping for a few nights to get him to talk and two of us alternated the questioning. We started the session off today at 0930 with some sweet cakes and thick Arab coffee. Later, we worked our way up to some serious high pressure questioning. By 10 am Achmed said he was a little tired  tired so we knocked off for a few hours."

At 3 pm Nancy Peloosie and a few of her staff members, along with the International Red Cross, Amnesty International, the ACLU and Achmed's  lawyers appointed by Eric Holder acting on orders from the president stopped in to observe our questioning. Achmed’s family was visiting him at the time and he was given a few hours alone with them. Under orders from the Department of Justice, we used the time to remove the bugs we had planted in the phone and TV in his cell and made sure that his lap top stopped sending us his keystrokes. Achmed had lamb chops for dinner and spent some time with his attorneys. He expects to be freed later this month. 

The Obama administration has arranged a home in Northern Virginia for him along with a car and monthly salary. His attorney believes that he will receive a huge settlement for his wrongful imprisonment and torture at our hands when his law suit is settled in the courts. It seems that the video of him murdering the kids is inadmissible because we didn’t have a proper search warrant and forgot to read him his rights. Darn!

Epilogue; June 20, 2009; Achmed ben Ratsheed, a recently released terrorist, was arrested today in the act of murdering two catholic nuns. The Nuns, members of the Sisters of Mercy based in France, operate a relief agency for Arab women who are under death threats from family members for fraternizing with infidels. They were rescued by State Police responding to a disturbance at a Motel in Beltsville Maryland. The police found both women gagged and tied suffering from mutable stab wounds.

One of the Nuns is hospitalized and not expected to survive. The wild eyed murderer was dragged into a police car screaming “death to the stupid infidels.” A high ranking officer, who requested his identity be kept secret, reveled that ben Ratsheed bragged that Obama would have him freed in a week. “You stupid Americans have no idea how Muslims hold you in contempt as weaklings who use blacks and women to run your affairs. You are cowards and afraid to fight…. We will fly Allah’s banners from your White House sooner than you think.”

President nobama today said that enhanced torture techniques don’t work………..I’m sure that he’s an expert on the subject……………

Robert Firth

Boca Raton